Escapism, The Expired Tool

     For a long time I was a fan of escapism. When I was a child I had an imagination of course. I still do. I spent a lot of time dreaming of the future and the amazing things that I would do when I was all grown up. But the more I dreamt, the more I realized just how far I actually was from the future that I had created in my mind. The more I heard how my dreams were “unrealistic” and the more that I was told “no” when I asked my mom to invest into my creativity, the further away from myself I became. 

     I went from being a super happy child who had a huge imagination and love for anything creative, to an insecure depressed child who felt that reality was hopeless, thus I started escaping. At the time, realizing that I was only 9 years old and that I still had ANOTHER 9 years at minimum of having to live within the confinements of my mother’s home, I lost it. At 9 years old is when I had my first suicidal thoughts and when I first experienced depression. Escapism became my best friend. 

     When my reality was far away from the one that I wanted for myself and I knew that there was nothing I could do about it, escapism saved me. I started masturbating, watching more television, sleeping a lot, and tucking myself away in my room for hours at a time, only coming out to eat, shit and bathe. I lived like that for pretty much the rest of my childhood and adolescence. After living that way for a decade, it became completely normal to me. 

     It wasn’t until I became an adult and moved out on my own that one day a light bulb went off and I realized that I wasn’t that hopeless child anymore. The reason why I titled this post, “Escapism, The Expired Tool”, is because once upon a time, escapism saved my life. However; in the present moment, it’s time to let it go. I know that so many people can relate to my story. It would be easy for us to trauma bond over our childhoods and the limitations imposed on us by our parents, but what would that change?

     Once I had this realization that I was finally free, I had to ask myself, why did I continue to escape when I was actually free to live the life that I had always dreamt of? I realized that while my body had become of age and my body was no longer living under my mother’s roof, my mind was still living under the confinements of my upbringing. The reason why I kept myself small and limited even after I got the freedom that I desperately longed for as a child was because I hadn’t truly freed my mind. 

     I’m sure that if you’re drawn to me, then you know all about manifestation and the power of the mind. If you don’t, go look it up. If you do, then you know that our mind is our most powerful tool. The fact that we can control it is one of the biggest gifts that Source has given us. Now, realizing this is the easy part. Acting in a way that feels completely foreign to you is the hard part. So, how was I able to finally be present and free my mind? With patience and practice. 

     When it comes to the mind, it’s cliche, but it’s true. You have to fake it until you make it. The issue that people find with this is that they skip over unlearning and releasing the limitations of their upbringing first. That part must be done first in order for the “faking it” to actually stick.

      Imagine that your mind is a canvas that has years of built up paint on it. This paint is old, crusty, and ugly, but it’s there whether you like it or not. Now, let’s also add that this is the only canvas that you will ever have access to. There will never be another one. If you want to paint something beautiful on this canvas are you going to just start painting right on top of the paint that’s already there? No. Your art would come out looking shitty and the ugly paint underneath would most likely show through. So, instead, it would be best to scrape off as much of that old paint as you can, then go over it with as many layers of white paint as it takes to completely cover the old outdated paint. Even after you do that and the canvas looks like a clean slate, you would still have to wait for that paint to dry completely before you could finally start painting your new masterpiece over it. Even then, depending on how detailed and wild your masterpiece is, it could take you a long time to actually finish it. Are you picking up what I’m putting down?

     Yes, we can cry and complain about it, but the truth will remain the same that for people who grew up with childhood trauma and a limited mindset, we HAVE to first unlearn the thought processes that hinder us, replace them with thought processes that free us, and allow enough time for this transmutation to actually settle in before we can get to the state of having a freed mind, and therefore a life that reflects our dreams. There’s a reason why you never hear people who have achieved their dreams say that they got there by constantly doubting themselves and never acting upon their dreams. Whether they say that they were fearless or that they were afraid but they did it anyway, they always say how they believed in themselves or something outside of them that pushed them forward. You must tap into that same belief for yourself.

     My intention in sharing my thoughts on all of this with you is that you become inspired to free your mind. Whether you’re at the stage of scraping off the paint, covering it up, letting it dry, or finally creating your masterpiece, you have to be willing to believe in those same dreams that you once had as a child. I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I’m afraid of being judged. I can be afraid of failing and looking stupid when I try new things. But, you want to know what my biggest fear of all time is? Dying unsatisfied with my life because I never believed in myself. This fear keeps me in check because none of us know when our last breath will be. Therefore, in order to keep this fear from materializing, I have to actively take at least one step every single day towards creating the life that my 9 year old self imagined. That way, even if I die before finishing my masterpiece, I can rest easy knowing that I did all that I could up until my last breath. Take this as your sign to do the same.