Five of Cups

If you’ve been keeping up with my blog posts, thank you. You will know that I recently got “soft fired” from my second job and they stopped scheduling me to come in. In the grand scheme of things I know for a fact that it happened to clear up space for me to focus on efforts that are more aligned with my purpose. I know that it’s time for me to begin pouring more energy into my creative projects. However, in the present moment, I’m seeing that lack in my finances. 

I’ve been finding myself going back and forth between feeling hopeful and optimistic about the future one minute. Then, stressing about how I’m going to afford to put more gas in my car once my tank is empty the next minute. Going through periods of life where you have fully left behind a past chapter, but the blessings from the new chapter have not fully arrived feels scary and uncertain. If I allowed myself too, I could easily find myself wrapped in thoughts of doubt, fear, and sadness feeling sorry for myself and rushing to the next serving job to create a sense of comfort for myself. 

The things that are keeping me from doing that are gratitude and reflection. At the end of the day, when I think about the things in my life that ARE working out for me, I have a LOT to be grateful for. Even though I may not be making enough money to pay all of my bills in one check and go to the mall every weekend, I am making enough money to pay all of my rent, phone bill, and electric bill in one check. The things that I absolutely need, I have. It also is costing me nothing to write everyday, which is something that brings me joy. On top of that I have amazing people in my life that make me feel loved and supported. My best friend Christney keeps me grounded and always reminds me that everything will work out. 

My big brother was recently incarcerated for five years and he was finally released a few months ago in January. I have seen him a few times since then, but last night he was nice enough to come over to my new apartment and build my desk that’s been sitting in the box for two weeks. We had great conversations, got to know each other better, and rolled one up. THAT is something I’m extremely grateful for. I remember having to avoid thinking about my brother because when I did I'd instantly get upset and start crying thinking about his time and freedom being taken from him. Today, he is free and happily rebuilding his life. When I remember to think about things like this, I no longer have the room to focus on what isn't going right in my life. 

I also think that these times when life feels like a blank canvas are great times to integrate the imagination and begin manifesting for the future. Instead of thinking about how I technically don’t have a second source of income right now, I choose to think about what type of work I’d like to fill in that gap. I’ve been imagining myself getting paid to model, write, and curate projects. I’ve been focusing on learning more and more about my fields to increase my skills. Another thing I’ve been doing is researching jobs & internships that are actually in my field and applying. Times like these are great practice for learning to focus and tame your mind.

If any of you relate to being in an “in-between” stage or having things in your life go completely different than you imagined, I encourage you to trust the process. You can think of almost any celebrity that didn’t already come from a wealthy family and they will likely have a story about how they went through ups and downs until they finally reached their point of success. The same can apply to us. It can be hard to push through uncertainty, but at the end of the day, the day must end. In the words of Glorilla, “everyday the Sun won’t shine, but that’s why I love tomorrow.” In the present moment, ground yourself in what IS going your way and use your imagination to dream up a beautiful tomorrow!